Teray Baad Bhi

I can sum up my post-ammi life (thus far at least) with this poem. Every line is a memory.

Vo he gardishain vo he paich-o-kham teray baad bhi
Vo he hauslay meray dam ba-dam teray baad bhi
Teray saath bhi teri her jafa mujhay moetabar
Teray saaray gham mujhay muhtaram teray baad bhi

Teray gham se hai meri her khushi mein waqaar sa
Meray haal pe hain teray karam teray baad bhi
Baray muztarib meray raastay teray bina
Baray pur-sukoo.n meray qadam teray baad bhi

Teray saath thee meri her khushi teri muntazir
Teri muntazir meri chashm-e-num teray baad bhi
Teray saath thee meri dastaras mein jo raushni
Faqat aik pal kabhi subha-dum teray baad bhi

Tujhay jaan-e-gham jo kaha kabhi to ghalat kaha
Meri zindagi ke javaa.n hain gham teray baad bhi
Tujhay paas-e-ehd-e-vafa raha mere saath kab
Mujhay jaa.n se barh ker teray bharam teray baad bhi

Meray baad kitnay he roop tu nay badal liye
Main vahi hoon ab bhi teri qasam teray baad bhi
Tu kisi ke qalb-e-aarzu mein to dhal gayi
Main na ho saka kabhi khud mein gum teray baad bhi

Teri aahaton ka gudaaz tha mera humsafar
Yehi ik gumaa.n mera hum-qadam teray baad bhi
Tu chali gayi sabhi qehqahay samait ker
Meray paas hai mera zarf-e-gham teray baad bhi

~ Unknown

~ Vo he gardishain vo he paich-o-kham teray baad bhi
A couple hours after she had passed away, we were coming out of the hospital and there were cars on the road. I realized then that it doesn't matter what one family has lost. Others' lives just go on.
~ Vo he hauslay meray dam ba-dam teray baad bhi
I somehow became very confident during the 20 days ammi was in the hospital. I just wouldn't care who I needed to talk to. My dad and brothers were busy with work and school respectively, so I used to go to ammi after I was done with school. Abbu aur bhai log raat mein aatay thay. So during my time with her, I would run to the nurse's station, talk to whichever doctor I could, no matter how rudely I had to do it. I did just whatever I could think of to get a better understanding of how she was progressing. Bohot himmat se doctor ko yeh kehtay huay suna tha keh ammi ko life support se utaar liya jaaye ga, kiyoonkeh un ke bachnay ke koi chances nahin thay. Her brain was dead. Vo hausla mujh mein tab he aaya tha and I think aaj bhi hai.
~ Tere saath bhi teri her jafa mujhay moetabar
There were times jab yoon lagta tha keh ammi bus abhi aankhain khol dain gee. Un ki her her jumbish ko un ki zindagi se vabastagi ka pesh-khema samjha tha. Although those were just reflexes, unconscious human reflexes, I relied on them.
~ Tere saaray gham mujhay muhtaram teray baad bhi
Life changed dramatically for me after her. Responsibilities, jo un ki theen, mujh pe aa gayeen. But whatever I did, bus us mein mujhay ammi he ammi dikhaayee detee theen. Ab sochoon to shayed isi liye itni jaan maari keh un kaamon ke zariye mera ammi se raabta bandha hua tha.

~ Teray gham se hai meri her khushi mein waqaar sa
Aaj meri ammi nahin hain, per un ke jaanay ke baad chand cheezon mein main ne un ki jagah le li hai. Ye "promotion" kabhi kabhi mujhay apni he nazron mein moetabar ker deti hai.
~ Meray haal pe hain teray karam teray baad bhi
Baaz auqaat achanak se he sab theek ho jaata hai. Meray halaat, I mean. Tab yoon lagta hai keh unhon ne apni zindagi mein jo meray liye duaayen kee.n, vo ab tak meray kaam aa rahi hain.
~ Baray muztarib meray raastay teray bina
Ammi ke baad main aaj tak walk karnay nahin jaa saki hoon. Ab to khair hum ne vo ghar chor diya hai, per jab us ghar mein thay to main lamba wala route liya karti thee bus stop tak jaanay ke liye kiyoonkeh ammi walay route pe ammi ke bagher chalnay ka hausla nahin tha. Shayed isi liye main aaj tak un ki qabar pe nahin jaa saki hoon.
~ Baray pur-sukoo.n meray qadam teray baad bhi
Al-Hamdulillah un ke baad main ne jo kuch bhi kiya, un ki guidance ke bagher, mujhay us main se kisi bhi cheez pe kabhi bhi sharmindagi nahin uthaani pari. Un ki tarbiyat ka asar ho gaya.

~ Teray saath thi meri her khushi teri muntazir
Ramadan ke maheenay mein un ka inteqaal hua tha. Meray vehm-o-gumaan mein bhi nahin tha keh aisa ho jaaye ga. Bhala ammiyaan kesay chor ke jaa sakti hain? Mera kheyaal tha keh vo bus sahi ho jaayen gee aur phir hum bohot dhoom dhaam se Eid manaayen ge. I waited for days, counted seconds, keh itni der ho gayee hai unhain coma mein, ab to jaag jaayen.
~ Teri muntazir meri chashm-e-num tere baad bhi
Kayee saalon tak main intezaar karti rahi keh vo aa jaayen gee. Aaj che (6) saal ke baad bhi main ne un ke saaray kapray sambhaal ke rakkhay huay hain, keh vo aayen gee to.. Un ki closet meri closet se ziyada organized hai.
~ Teray saath thi meri dastaras mein jo raushni
Un ki maujoodgi se mujhay aik aisa hausla tha keh lagta tha main koi bhi kaam kar sakti hoon. Meri ammi theen meray saath, un ki duaayen theen, aur insaan ko bhala kiya chahiye hota hai?
~ Faqat aik pal kabhi subhe-dum teray baad bhi
Ab main jo goal banaati hoon, usay achieve karnay ki koshish karti hoon, aur al-Hamdulillah ho bhi jaata hai, per her qadam rakhtay huay yeh darr lagta hai keh ammi ki dua nahin hai meray saat, main kesay kar paaoon gee? Phir ehsaas hota hai keh sattar (70) maaon se ziyadah meherbaan zaat to hai na meray saath, to aik sukoon sa aa bhi jaata hai. Phir bhi kabhi kabhi dil chaahta hai keh vo vaala confidence, jo ammi ki zindagi mein kaam karnay se pehlay mujh mein hota tha, phir aa jaaye.

~ Tujhay jaan-e-gham jo kaha kabhi to ghalat kaha
Main bachpan mein dua maangti thee keh meri death ammi ke baad ho. Mera kheyaal tha keh meri zindagi un ke bagher mumkin he nahin. Unhon ne jab suna to mujhay yeh dua karnay se mana ker diya.
~ Meri zindagi ke javaa.n hain gham teray baad bhi
Ab ehsaas hota hai keh chaahay lavahiqeen kitnay he afsurda aur ghamgeen kiyoon na ho jaayen, zindagi ke utaar charhaao bus chaltay he rehtay hain.
~ Tujhay paas-e-ehd-e-vafa raha meray saath kab
Unhon ne wada kiya tha keh main aur vo hamesha aik saath rahain ge. Us raat main koi daraowna khaab dekh ker darr gayee thee. Us khaab mein ammi nahin thee.n, is liye. Tab mujhay ammi ne kaha tha keh vo to meray saath he hain, hamesha rahain gee.
~ Mujhay jaa.n se barh ker teray bharam teray baad bhi
Aik dafa bohot fakhar se unhon ne mujhay apni beti kaha tha. Ab main her kaam karnay se pehlay yeh sochti hoon keh mujhay her haal mein un ki izzat aur bharam rakhna hai. Chaahay is ke liye mujhay apni khushi he kiyoon na maarni paray. Aur main ne kiya hai yeh.

~ Meray baad kitne hi roop tu nay badal liye
Ammi se dead body ban gayeen, aur dead body se rooh nikal aayee. Sab he kuch to badal gaya.
~ Main vahi hoon ab bhi teri qasam teray baad bhi
Per main ab tak vohi hoon jo bhaijaan ke daantnay se darr jaati hai.
~ Tu kisi ke qalb-e-aarzu mein to dhal gayi
Khuda un ko apnay paas bulaana chahta tha, so bula liya,
~ Main na ho saka kabhi khud mein gum teray baad bhi
Per main zimmedaariyaan nibhaanay mein aisi khoyee keh ab samajh bhi nahin aata keh meri zaati soch kiya hai, mera raasta kaun sa hona chahiye?

~ Teri aahaton ka gudaaz tha mera humsafar
Jab vo coma mein theen aur un ki aankhon ke papotay pharpharaatay thay to mujhay lagta tha keh vo jhat aankhain khol dain gee. Hospital se raat ko ghar aanay ke baad ghar mein, aur din mein school mein meray dimaagh mein bus yehi hota tha keh aaj meri ammi mujhay jaagtay huay milain gee. Un ki feeding tube galay mein honay ki vajah se un ki saans mein aahat hoti thee. Kabhi kabhi vo aahat aaj bhi aati hai. Kabhi kabhi jab vo yaad aati hain to lagta hai keh bus meray paas he hain. Tab main aankhain nahin kholti.
~ Yehi ik gumaa.n mera hum-qadam teray baad bhi
Haath pakar ker unhon ne mujhay chalna sikhaaya. Aaj mein apni zindagi un ke bagher guzaarnay ki aadi ho gayee hoon. Per kabhi kabhi jee chahta hai keh vo aa ker, bus aik dafa, mujhay galay se laga ke dua de dain aur keh dain keh main ne saabit kar diya hai keh main un ki beti hoon. Bus aik dafa.
~ Tu chali gayi sabhi qehqahe samait ker
Took me a while to come back to life, after her.
~ Meray paas hai mera zarf-e-gham teray baad bhi!
Now I feel keh main agar ammi ke bagher reh sakti hoon, to shayed main sab cheezon ke bagher reh sakti hoon. "Raha khatka na chori ka, dua deta hoon rahzan ko". Per Ramadan ke aatay he vo yaad bohot aati hain.